Dear Parents,
As the Parent Success Coach, I hear from a lot of parents that they power struggle with their teens over lots of things. Getting out of bed in the morning, getting out of the house on time, doing homework, doing chores, the list goes on and on.
So, how do you recognize if you are in a power struggle? What does it feel like?
Let’s look at an example to demonstrate. Bill is supposed to take out the trash by 9:00 each night. It’s 9:15 and he’s watching TV and the trash is sitting there. Mom is beginning to get annoyed and a little angry. Mom goes into Bill's room and says, "It’s 9:15, the trash is still sitting there. I’ve told you a hundred times. Why can’t you just do what you’re supposed to do around here? " And Bill says, “Yea, OK, in a minute Mom. Let me just finish watching this show”. Mom goes on to explain that she doesn't think he should finish the show. Mom thinks he should do it now because he agreed to do it by 9:00 and it’s already 9:15. Bill says, “Yea Mom, you are right, but this show is totally awesome, see they are doing this really cool thing, and I just want to see how it ends. I’ll take it out as soon as the show is over.” Mom says "OK "and leaves the room.
What’s going on here?
This is a power struggle. This one is kind of subtle because Bill is actually being pretty nice while exerting his dominance. Mom wasn't really offended by it. Mom might not have picked up on it at all.
How can you recognize it? In this case, Mom did a great job by establishing a clear agreement with Bill that the trash is out by 9:00. It is important that you make clear agreements so that everyone knows what is expected. Mom did that.
With that in mind, it is now past 9:00 and Bill is saying “In a minute Mom”, thus he is taking control of “when” he will do it. He is exerting power of his schedule, and over-powering the agreement. The other clear sign of a power struggle is use of the words " Yea but". Did you catch it in the example? “Yea, But” are your classic power struggle words. They mean, Yes, you are right, But I’m in Control Here.
In our example, the "Yea But" was cleverly hidden under a friendly tone an explanation. It was so well done that Mom seemed alright with Bill not keeping to the agreement.
I have lots of tools and strategies to redirect power struggles. There are lots of ways to get out of them when you are in them, and lots of ways to prevent them from happening to begin with. Questions? Feel free to e-mail me at Jane@TheParentSuccessCoach.com.
To Your Family,
Jane Cabrera
The Parent Success Coach
PS..Get my Free Report:
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