Dear Parents,
Consider the possibility that teens misbehave in order to get their emotional needs met. Looking at it from this perspective, we can ask what need might they be trying to meet when they act out with misbehavior.
Let’s start with the need to belong. A basic human need, we all feel the need to belong. We want to be a part of a group where we can have social connection and give and receive affection. Babies’ needs for physical touch and affection in order to thrive are well known .
The first place where a human being experiences their need to belong is within their family of origin, whatever that is. The need to belong in your own home is quite strong. As children mature and expand out of their home environment, their need to belong may be met in a variety of places including school, religious affiliations, their neighborhood, and affiliations with various hobbies, sports activities, etc.
If relations are strained at home, and your teen is not experiencing a sense of belonging in the home environment, the need to go elsewhere will be even stronger, and at times can lead them to gravitate toward less than desirable activities (drugs, alcohol, crime, etc.) in order to fit in somewhere. Don’t underestimate the power of this need. People forming groups around common interests like politics, charity, philanthropy, travel, reading, and even gangs and hate based groups, all have the need to belong in common.
If your child’s need to belong is not being met in school or in other activities, you may see behaviors like a lack of motivation for school, a desire to drop out, or a desire to quit certain activities.
The need to belong is particularly important for teens. In the October, 2011 edition of National Geographic, the cover article “The New Science of the Teenage Brain” discusses how teens have a neural hormone which makes social connections, particularly to peers, more rewarding, and teens have a tendency to prefer the company of people their own age at this time in their life.
This can be a tricky business for parents to navigate. Even where positive relations are maintained at home, kids from close knit families may also engage in less than desirable activities as a way of socializing with friends.
What is a parent to do? According to National Geographic, “Studies show that when parents engage and guide their teens with a light but steady hand, staying connected but allowing independence, their kids generally do much better in life.” Click here to see the full article.
Consider how your teen’s need to belong is being met within your family. If you need a few tips to improve your communication with your teen, check out my free 7 Tips to Effective Communication With Your Teen.
Just provide your first name and e-mail address, and you will have instant access to it on line.
To Your Family,
Jane Cabrera
The Parent Success Coach
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