Dynamic of a Power Struggle # 2

Dear Parents,

Yesterday we set up a small demonstration to illustrate the dynamics of a power struggle.   Just for fun, find someone nearby and ask them to join hands with you  and engage in a small tug of war.  Nothing crazy now.  Just one person pull, and the other resist the pull.  

 

I want you to notice Three things:

 

Dynamic # 1)  There is energy in it.  You can feel the energy of your own resistance.  If you are playing tug of war with a partner, you can feel the energy of your own and your partner’s resistance.

Dynamic # 2)  That energy has an element of Joy in it. If two of you are playing tug of war right now, I am quite sure you are both laughing and smiling.  Yes, what I just asked you to do was kind of silly, but there is more to it than that.  It’s called the JOY OF OPPOSING.  The energy of opposing is high energy and fun.     This is an important reason why power struggles are so seductive.  Even as adults we get sucked into them because at some level they are high energy and fun, and we just can’t help ourselves!!

Tomorrow I will disclose Dynamic # 3.

To Your Family,

Jane Cabrera

The Parent Success Coach

www.TheParentSuccessCoach.com

PS..   Get My Free Report:

          7 Tips to Effective Communication With Your Teen

What are three Dynamics of a Power Struggle?

Dear Parents,

Many parents report power struggling with their teens. What are the dynamics of a Power struggle?

To fully understand the dynamics of a power struggle, let’s do a demonstration.   Just for fun, find someone nearby and ask them to join hands with you  and engage in a small tug of war.  Nothing crazy now.  Just one person pull, and the other resist the pull.   

If you are alone, just grab hold of your own two hands, and pull so you can feel the resistance as your right hand tries to pull to the right, and your left hand tries to pull to the left. 

I want you to Notice Three Things.  These Three Things are Three Key Dynamics of the Power Struggle.

Dynamic # 1)  There is energy in it.  You can feel the energy of your own resistance.  If you are playing tug of war with a partner, you can feel the energy of your own and your partner’s resistance.

Tomorrow I will share with you Dynamic # 2.

To Your Family,

Jane Cabrera

The Parent Success Coach,

www.TheParentSuccessCoach.com

PS.. Get my Free Report:

        7 Tips To Efffective Communication With Your Teen

Is This a Power Struggle?

Dear Parents,

Yesterday we went through an example of a Power struggle that remained pretty friendly.  Let's look at another example that goes differently.

Bill is supposed to take out the trash by 9:00 each night.  It’s 9:15 and he’s watching TV and the trash is sitting there.  Mom getting angry.  Mom goes into Bills room and says, "Bill, it’s 9:15, the trash is still sitting there. I’ve told you a hundred times.  Why can’t you just do what you’re supposed to do around here?" 

Bill says in an agitated tone “In a minute Mom.  I’m watching this show”. 

Also in an agitated tone, Mom starts to explain that  Bill should do it now because he agreed to do it by 9:00 and it’s already 9:15.

Now this really annoys Bill because he’s trying to watch his show, so he gets really angry and yells at Mom.  Mom yells back.  In a rage he stomps out to take out, slams the door, and slams the chair into the table to demonstrate his anger.  He takes out the trash, storms back in and yells “happy now?” as he storms back into his room.

Now he took out the trash which is what you wanted, but you’re still not happy.

Is this a power struggle?  Well, it started out as one, but it escalated to revenge.  At some point, Bill felt hurt and wanted to hurt back.  He did so by yelling at Mom, slamming the door and the chair.  


There are different tools and strategies for redirecting each type of misbehavior.  What works for Power struggles probably won't work for Revenge, and vice versa.


I am here to help.  Please feel free to e-mail me at Jane@TheParentSuccessCoach.com.


To Your Family,


Jane Cabrera
The Parent Success Coach
www.TheParentSuccessCoach.com


PS..Get My Free Report:
        7 Tips to Effective Communication With Your Teen

Recognizing Power Struggles

Dear Parents,

As the Parent Success Coach, I hear from a lot of parents that they power struggle with their teens over lots of things.  Getting out of bed in the morning, getting out of the house on time, doing homework, doing chores, the list goes on and on. 

So,  how do you recognize if you are in a power struggle?  What does it feel like?  

Let’s look at an example to demonstrate.  Bill is supposed to take out the trash by 9:00 each night.  It’s 9:15 and he’s watching TV and the trash is sitting there.  Mom is beginning to get annoyed and a little angry.  Mom goes into Bill's room and says, "It’s 9:15, the trash is still sitting there. I’ve told you a hundred times.  Why can’t you just do what you’re supposed to do around here? " And Bill says, “Yea, OK, in a minute Mom.  Let me just finish watching this show”.  Mom goes on to explain that she doesn't  think he should finish the show.  Mom thinks he should do it now because he agreed to do it by 9:00 and it’s already 9:15.  Bill says, “Yea Mom, you are right, but this show is totally awesome, see they are doing this really cool thing, and I just want to see how it ends.  I’ll take it out as soon as the show is over.”  Mom says "OK "and leaves the room.

What’s going on here?

This is a power struggle.  This one is kind of subtle because Bill is actually being pretty nice while exerting his dominance.  Mom wasn't really offended by it.   Mom might not have picked up on it at all.

How can you recognize it?  In this case, Mom did a great job by establishing a clear agreement with Bill that  the trash is out by 9:00.  It is important that you make clear agreements so that everyone knows what is expected. Mom did that.

With that in mind, it is now past 9:00 and Bill is saying “In a minute Mom”, thus he is taking control of “when” he will do it.  He is exerting power of his schedule, and over-powering the agreement.    The other clear sign of a power struggle is use of the words " Yea but".  Did you catch it in the example?  “Yea, But” are your classic power struggle words.  They mean, Yes, you are right, But I’m in Control Here.  

In our example, the "Yea But" was cleverly hidden under a friendly tone an explanation.  It was so well done that Mom seemed alright with Bill not keeping to the agreement.  

I have lots of tools and strategies to redirect power struggles.  There are lots of ways to get out of them when you are in them, and lots of ways to prevent them from happening to begin with.  Questions?  Feel free to e-mail me at Jane@TheParentSuccessCoach.com.

To Your Family,

Jane Cabrera

The Parent Success Coach

www.TheParentSuccessCoach.com

PS..Get my Free Report:

       7 Tips to effective Communication With Your Teen

 

Power Struggles - Dynamics & Strategies

Dear Parents,

Yesterday I described the model of "Power Over".  Today I want to compare that to a model of mutual power.

 In a context of mutual power, I have individual personal power, and I know this.  And you have individual personal power.  I also know this and respect it.  There is a spirit of mutuality.  I expect to be treated with respect and dignity.  In turn, I expect to treat you with respect and dignity.  From this standpoint, we can come together to co-create. 

When we have a disagreement, I can listen to your side with compassion and empathy.  I can express my side with confidence that it will be listened to with the same level of compassion and empathy.  Together we can come to some mutual understanding. I want to get what I want, and I also want you to have what you want. 

From a place of mutuality, we can look at the situation and reach conclusions that are in the best interests of each other, and perhaps of a larger community as well.".

So now compare these ideas of "Power Over" with the ideas of "Mutual Power".  Which idea best describes the atmosphere in your home?  Are you happy with this atmosphere?

As the Parent Success Coach, I am here to help.  Feel free to drop me a line at Jane@TheParentSuccessCoach.com to comment or to ask a question.

To Your Family,

Jane Cabrera

The Parent Success Coach

www.TheParentSuccessCoach.com

PS.  Get my Free Report:

        7 Tips to Effective Communication With Your Teen

Power Struggles - Dynamics & Strategies

Dear Parents,

Over the next several days, I am going to be addressing to topic of Power Struggles.  Many parents of teenagers deal with this on a daily basis.

To begin this discussion, let’s look at a very broad view of power.  There are two ways to experience power.  Power Over, and Mutual Power.  

The model of power over shows up as control and dominance  It has the assumption that one person has the right to control another person.  It requires obedience, submission to the person in control.  Most of us were raised with this model to some extent.  Parents, teachers, other adults were in control, and as children we were supposed to obey them.  A “good child” was one that would do as they were told without question.  Parents are actually judged as “good or bad” parents based on their ability to control their children.  Teachers are similarly judged based on their ability to “control their classroom”.

This model also assumes that some adults have the right to control and dominate other adults.  In a patriarchal society, it is assumed that men control and dominate their wives.  In employment situations, it is assumed that employers can control and dominate their employees. 

In the model of Power Over, might makes right, and being right or winning is the overall objective.  Any disagreement is a battle, and the objective is to dominate, to win, to have control.  Competition is fierce.  In order for this model to work, there must be another person to control. 

Most of our history here in the United States was built on the Power Over model.  Many religious, political, educational and corporate institutions were based on this model and continue to function with it as a basic context today.  It is there as a backdrop of just “how things are”. 

Tomorrow I will compare this to the model of "Mutual Power".

To Your Family,

Jane Cabrera

The Parent Success Coach

www.TheParentSuccessCoach.com

PS.  Get my Free Report :

        7 Tips to Effective Communication With Your Teen

The Need to Experiment & Explore

Dear Parents,

Did you realize that teens need to experiment and explore as part of their natural development?

"The New Science of the Teenage Brain" is the cover story in the October, 2011 edition of National Geographic.  According to that article, the teen’s brain is literally attuned to excitement, novelty and risk. 

 This is because from an evolutionary standpoint, the next step in their life is to move from their safe home into an unfamiliar environment.  In the teen years they have a natural desire to try out new and exciting things and to adapt to new situations.  This gives them the strength and experience that they will need in the next stage of life.

As parents, finding the balance of allowing them to express this need and keeping them safe can be challenging.  The importance of maintaining communication with your teens at this time cannot be over-emphasized.  

For more information click here to receive my free guide 7 Tips to Effective Communication with Your Teen

To Your Family,

Jane Cabrera

The Parent Success Coach

www.TheParentSuccessCoach.com 

The Need to Feel Valuable

Dear Parents,

Everyone wants to feel like they are valuable, that they contribute to the whole in some way.   

As parents our need to feel valuable is often met just by fufilling the responsibilities of daily life. Providing financially, shopping, cooking, cleaning, transporting children here and there, are all ways in which we can feel valuable.  

How do our teens feel valuable?  Sometimes when we play “Super Mom”  or Dad. we can sometimes get into the habit of doing way too much for our kids.  Although our intentions can be pure, we run the risk of leaving their need to feel valuable unmet.

When they are not feeling valuable, you might see them giving up, quitting things, or being highly unmotivated. 

If this is the case, ask yourself what things are you doing for your teen that your teen really can and should do for herself?  And then begin to let go of these things, and let your teen handle it.  

You and your teen may both struggle in the beginning.  As the Parent Success Coach, I am here to help.

To Your Family,

Jane Cabrera

The Parent Success Coach

www.TheParentSuccessCoach.com