Dear Parents,
Can you recall any experiences as a child where you were upset and the adults around you said you were being silly, overreacting, being too sensitive, ore making a big deal out of nothing? Do you recall how it felt to have your feelings discounted as unimportant? How did it feel to have nobody understand you, and to still feel upset even though everyone is telling you you "shouldn't feel" what you do in fact feel?
Discounting is an all too common experience for children. It is very important to understand that as parents, we reflect back our children's experiences to them. We have to be careful to keep in mind that our children are separate people, and they are having their own experience. We sometimes want to pressure them into being our ideal. For example, if my child has fallen and hit her knee, I of course don't want it to hurt her. But when I say to her "it doesn't hurt", I am saying the opposite of her experience, and it's confusing to her. Telling her it was no big deal and it shouldn't hurt doesn't help either. It discounts her experience. If it hurts her, it hurts her. Help her up and give her a kiss.
Validating the experience of another person is a very powerful way to communicate. Validating someone doesn't mean you have to agree with them. You can say "Wow, you sound upset", and then let the other person express what they are feeling. That doesn't mean you necessarily agree that they "should be" upset, it's simply acknowledging that they are. You are allowing another person to express their experience in your presence. That's validation, and it's a very powerful tool to establishing communication and harmonious family relations.
To Your Family,
Jane Cabrera
The Parent Success Coach
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