Dear Parents,
Patricia Evans, in her book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship", describes trivializing as saying "in so many words, that what you have done or expressed is insignificant." It is easy to get caught up in juggling the multiple responsibilities of our adult lives, and to sometimes feel overwhelmed. Sometimes without really thinking about it, we trivialize our teens, making comments that their concerns are insignificant in comparison to the things we have to deal with in our lives.
This type of message leaves our teens feeling defeated. They are at a time in their lives where they are expanding and growing, and also going through feelings of uncertainty as change is constant for them. Because they are not adults, they do face some limitations on what they can do or where they can go, and these limits may frustrate them at times. (Having to rely on someone to drive them everywhere for example). Trivializing their concerns or their unique perspective will create distance.
Remember that they are unique people experiencing the world from their unique perspective. As parents we often want them to understand our perspective and it is just as important that we listen to and validate their perspective as their own unique experience. As teens is a natural part of the maturation process to experiment and explore (within limits of safety and common sense of course). If they want to try out a sport, a class, a job etc. that interests them, I would encourage parents to try to validate their interests rather than trivializing them.
An example of a validating statement might sound like .."Wow, sounds like you are interested in football. How do you think you'll hold up with the workouts?" Compare this to a trivializing statement.."Who are you kidding, you'd never be able to play football, you're too lazy for that."
Try it out, I think you will notice a big difference in your teens response.
To Your Family,
Jane Cabrera
The Parent Success Coach
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