Dear Parents,
Accusing and Blaming are another category of hurtful communication. Does your teen accuse and blame you for things? Do you get the feeling that your teen thinks you are the enemy? Or is it the other way around? Do you frequently suspect your teen of harboring bad intentions, and as a result accuse and blame him for things?
Sometimes people don't know how to handle their own negative emotions, and they don't want to or don't know how to take responsibility for them. They will accuse or blame another for causing them to feel their negative emotions.
Patricia Evans, in her book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship", gives some examples of accusing and blaming statements. They include things like "You're attacking me" or "You're looking for trouble", or "You're just trying to pick a fight". Accusing and blaming make real communication impossible. The person accusing is assuming that they know the motives of the other - which of course is impossible. You can never really know the thoughts and motives of another person.
If you catch yourself accusing and blaming, take a step back. Stop assuming that you know the motives of another person. Consider that they are a separate person, with their own thought process. To open up communication, ask them what they meant. Then be willing to listen to the answer.
If you are the one being blamed, stop the communication immediately as you will not get anywhere with someone who thinks they know the workings of your mind. Just say "I don't accept that", and don't engage it any further. This sets your boundary for appropriate communication.
To Your Family,
Jane Cabrera
The Parent Success Coach
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