Dear Parents,
In her groundbreaking work on verbal abuse, Patricia Evans discusses the various categories in her book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship". Today we want to look at hostility disguised as jokes.
You can feel the hostility, the comment wasn't funny at all. However, when you confront it, the joker's response is "I was only kidding", or "You can't take a joke". The joker in this case assumes no responsibility for either the hostile feelings or the hurtful comment. There is no desire for real communication. Have you experienced this?
If you find that you are the one disguising your hostility with jokes, take some time to understand what you are feeling upset about. Writing in a journal can be a helpful way for you to verbalize your feelings and help you get clear. When you feel clear about what is upsetting you, then you can try to communicate in a more direct manner, rather than trying to hide behind jokes.
If you are experiencing this from your teens or others, know that you do not have to accept this type of communication. When a joke feels hostile to you, respond, "I don't accept that". When the say "I was just kidding" or "You can't take a joke", again respond, "I don't accept that". Bottom line, you don't accept the unacceptable. It's a good start to setting your boundaries, and receiving the respectful type of communication that you deserve.
To Your Family,
Jane Cabrera
The Parent Success Coach
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