Communication Solutions for Parents - Judging and Criticizing

Dear Parents,

Hurtful communication can come in the form of judging and criticizing.  In her book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship", Patricia Evans describes some statements that are examples of judgmental criticizing.
Statements that begin with "The trouble with you is.." or "Your problem is..." are judgmental and critical.  Most "You" statements are judgmental and critical - like "You can't take a joke" or "You're crazy" or "You're stupid".  Sometimes criticism can be disguised as help or advice.  "Wouldn't it have been better to..." "Next time you should...".

This topic is a tough one because many times as parents we are very judgmental and critical of our children.
Here at the Parent Success Coach, we believe strongly in our unique Inside/Out Parenting Approach™ where all change first comes from within. I would ask you to be honest with yourself to determine if you are being highly judgmental and critical of your teens.


The "you" statements and "Your problem is"  type statements are defining statements.  Even though we are the parents, it is not our job to define our children.  Our job is to guide them and teach them self reliance and self esteem so that they are able to define themselves.  Anyone who is being defined in a negative way will feel the oppression of that definition, and would want to rebel.  As teens are in the process of becoming adults, they are naturally expanding their view of the world and of themselves.  They want the freedom to explore and express themselves and this is best when it is encouraged by parents (within the boundaries of safety and common sense of course!)


Try communicating with your teen and leave out the judgment and criticism and see what happens.  You will go a long way toward opening up real communication.


To Your Family,

Jane Cabrera
The Parent Success Coach