Teens and cooking

Dear Parents,

As I mentioned in yesterday's post, my children decided to do some cooking while my husband and I were away on vacation.  Prior to our departure, my son took on learning how to use the Barbeque, and it turns out that the kid is quite the grill master.  If your children are interested, cooking is one of those things that creates great family memories, and at the same time really serves to build their independence and basic life skills.

Food has always been a big part of our family celebrations, as I imagine it is in most families.  Our family really loves to eat and making good food in anticipation of something special is a great way for the family to bond.  After traveling and trying different foods from different countries, I am finding myself interested in exploring new recipes to try out.  Teens can be engaged in various aspects of the food preparation depending on their level of interest. 

In our case, I found the level of interest on a daily basis is minimal, however, when they started thinking about the week ahead and what they wanted to eat in our absence, they became a lot more interested in how to season, what temperature to cook at and how long, etc.  We returned to excited stories about what they made, how good it was, etc.  Truthfully, though, now that we are back, they are not volunteering to cook, and are looking forward to being cooked for again!

To Your Family,

Jane Cabrera
The Parent Success Coach

Teens spend time with extended family

Dear Parents,

On our recent vacation, our 18 and 14 year old children stayed home with my mother, their grandmother.  For my Mom, this was hardly a babysitting job, it was just a comfort to have an adult in the house while we were away.  Our children took on responsibilities of maintaining the house, and also took on some cooking for their grandmother. 

This was an enjoyable experience for all of them.  My mom said that she really enjoyed having that time with them, that she was able to spoil them a little more than usual because she had them all to herself, and that she really enjoyed that.  The kids also enjoyed being spoiled of course, and the experience certainly strengthened their bond and tie to the extended family. 

To Your Family,

Jane Cabrera
The Parent Success Coach

Vacationing without the kids

Dear Parents,

My husband and I recently enjoyed a vacation without the kids.  Our children are 18 and 14, the eldest leaving for college in a few weeks, and the youngest starting high school. The time away was refreshing.  We combined business and pleasure, traveling with a group of people who are working on expanding their businesses through internet, marketing and media education and expansion.

In my work with parents I will often talk about the importance of nurturing yourself.  I really experienced this on this trip.  The time for expanding our horizons through travel and meeting interesting people was invaluable.  Spending time as a couple, vs. as a family was really refreshing and enjoyable.  I highly recommend an annual vacation as a couple, even if it is just for a short time, like an extended weekend.  Most Important lesson for parents... Nurture Yourself!!

To Your Family,

Jane Cabrera
The Parent Success Coach

Tradgedy in Oslo

Dear Parents,


I have been away for two weeks, and have returned to learn of the tragic killings in Oslo, Norway.
For today, a moment of silence, and blessings to all of the families.


To Your Family,
Jane Cabrera
The Parent Success Coach

Inexperience with failure

Dear Parents,

An interesting topic was brought up at the university new student orientation.  Admissions at good universities have gotten very competitive, and as a result, most of the student body is made up of students who were the top academic performers in their high schools.  Many of these students have been straight A students throughout their high school careers, and many of them have little or no experience with failure.  Failing a test, struggling to pull up a grade, these concepts are foreign to some of these high performing students.  As a result, there is sometimes an enormous amount of stress when they all come together in a university setting, because they aren't the "smartest" anymore.

I think this is an interesting concept to discuss with people of privilege.  Being exposed to some adversity, and having to work to overcome it is an important life lesson.  It is important for our kids to learn to persevere even when things don't seem to be going in their favor.  Sports are a great venue for this lesson, because inevitably you win some and you loose some.  Even when our kids perform poorly on a test or an assignment, it can be a great learning opportunity for them to persevere, practice, and to not let "failure" define them or stop them. 

To Your Family,

Jane Cabrera
The Parent Success Coach

Perspectives on the College Orientation Experience

Dear Parents,
I am sending my first off to college and feeling so sad about it.  I met a woman at orientation who was sending off her youngest who happened to be her fifth child.  Unlike me who was choking back tears all day, this lovely woman went on excitedly about the new home she and her husband were building.  Now that the five are out on their own, they are downsizing and building this fabulous little house out in the country.  She was happily telling me about how peaceful it was out there, birds singing and other nature sounds. 

Now I have another one who is just starting high school, so I've got a while to go yet.  However,  I really did appreciate her perspective, and the vision of the fabulous little country house is certainly inspirational!

To Your Family,

Jane Cabrera
The Parent Success Coach

Sending your first to college

Dear Parents,

I am getting ready to send my oldest to college this fall.  The whole process of looking and applying for colleges was overwhelming.  It's so much more competitive now than it was when I went to college, and I don't remember it being so involved.  I guess I didn't have so many choices, so everything was simpler, and I didn't go away, I lived at home and commuted to school.

I've been attending college orientation sessions for new students (my daughter) and their parents.  The experience is one of information overload, trying to find your way around campus, selecting meal plans, dorm room accessories, and so forth.  We've met lot's of new people, and my daughter met her new roommate for the first time.  It's simultaneously exciting and exhausting.  With so much to do and so many decisions to make, it somehow escaped me until just today that she's actually going to be moving out this fall.  I didn't expect this sense of sadness, but now that I'm here, I am realizing that the next time we come back, I'm going home without her. 
I am totally going to be one of those parents that cries all the way home.

To Your Family,

Jane Cabrera
The Parent Success Coach

Solutions for Parents - College life for new students.

Dear Parents,

The college orientation process also included a lot of discussion about partying and substance abuse.  First year students are faced with lots of opportunities for distractions, and have to learn how to navigate their new found freedom with their educational and other goals. 

In previous posts I've talked about controlling behavior, and viewing our kids from the perspective of an "Ideal Image".   When someone relates to you as an "ideal image" they are not really relating to you as a unique and special individual.  That can leave you feeling empty and disconnected from the world, and even from yourself.   As parents, the way we relate to our children influences their sense of self.  If they are feeling disconnected from self, this leaves them vulnerable to looking outside of themselves for approval and acceptance.  How connected our kids feel to themselves and to us is a major influence in the choices they will make at this time of transition.

To Your Family,

Jane Cabrera
The Parent Success Coach

Solutions for Parents - The college experience.

Dear Parents,

My oldest is heading for college this fall.  I spent the day in orientation sessions for first year college students and their parents.  A very exciting and emotional time indeed.  One of the topics today was "transitioning" and how the parental role changes.  It was to help us parents strike the balance between being a support, and letting them handle life on their own as young adults.

The topic was handled very well, the students put on some very exaggerated and funny skits to make a point about over-parenting, presenting scenes of parents who call or text way too much, or show up at their child's dorm room unexpected.  Then when the child protested, the parent's response was "I'm paying for you to be here, I have the right to..."   The skits got a lot of laughs, but the topic hit home for many of us.  At this stage of our child's development, is that level of control appropriate?

To Your Family,

Jane Cabrera
The Parent Success Coach

Communication Solutions for Parents - the Dynamics of Control

Dear Parents,
I have been writing about various communication issues, reflecting on the work of Patricia Evans in her groundbreaking books.  Her book "Controlling People" details the dynamics that lead a person to controlling behavior, and it is a fascinating account.  She details a scenario where one person projects an "ideal image" onto another person. 

This is a common phenomenon with parents, seeing their children as "their ideal".  For example, your ideal might be for your child to pursue the sciences, while your real child is more interested in music.  Parents can try to dominate and control their children, steering them toward pursuits that reflect their ideals, and create a lot of pressure and stress both for themselves and their children.  Communication seriously breaks down when a parent is trying to pressure a child to be something that they are not.

The drive to have another person conform to your ideal results in controlling behavior, and some of the controlling forms of communication that I've written about over the past several posts.  Try to become aware of your ideals, and open your mind to the "real person", and what they are trying to express.

To Your Family,

Jane Cabrera
The Parent Success Coach

Communication Solutions for Parents - Undermining

Dear Parents,

Undermining is another form of communication that creates distance.  Undermining can take many different forms and it has the result of breaking one's confidence and determination and erodes the self esteem.  Patricia Evans gives several examples of undermining statements in her book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship".  These include statements like...

"Who asked you?"  or "Why bother?"  or "It's over your head."  or "You'll never make it".

Undermining implies that the other person is inadequate and that you have no faith in them. It is hurtful, and can leave a person questioning themselves.  In working with parents, I find that many people have endured undermining in their own childhoods, and many continue to receive this type of communication in adult relationships, both intimate and professional.   This leaves parents feeling unsure of themselves, unsure of their parenting skills.  One of the biggest outcomes of having experienced undermining is being indecisive.  Weighing even simple decisions endlessly, trying so hard not to make a mistake.

If you find yourself in this category, it is extremely important to nurture yourself.  Identify those relationships where you are on the receiving end of undermining communication, and start setting your boundaries to put a stop to it.  Putting a stop to self doubt is a critical step to gaining the confidence to tap into your parental wisdom and intuition.

Here at the Parent Success Coach, we believe strongly in our unique Inside/Out Parenting Approach™ where all change first comes from within. We focus on empowering, nurturing, and educating parents first.  With ongoing support, we guide you in your journey to create the family life that you desire and deserve.

To Your Family,

Jane Cabrera
The Parent Success Coach

Communication Solutions for Parents - Trivializing

Dear Parents,

Patricia Evans, in her book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship", describes trivializing as saying "in so many words, that what you have done or expressed is insignificant."  It is easy to get caught up in juggling the multiple responsibilities of our adult lives, and to sometimes feel overwhelmed.  Sometimes without really thinking about it, we trivialize our teens, making comments that their concerns are insignificant in comparison to the things we have to deal with in our lives. 

This type of message leaves our teens feeling defeated.  They are at a time in their lives where they are expanding and growing, and also going through feelings of uncertainty as change is constant for them.  Because they are not adults, they do face some limitations on what they can do or where they can go, and these limits may frustrate them at times.  (Having to rely on someone to drive them everywhere for example).  Trivializing their concerns or their unique perspective will create distance.

Remember that they are unique people experiencing the world from their unique perspective.  As parents we often want them to understand our perspective and it is just as important that we listen to and validate their perspective as their own unique experience. As teens is a natural part of the maturation process to experiment and explore (within limits of safety and common sense of course).  If they want to try out a sport, a class, a job etc. that interests them, I would encourage parents to try to validate their interests rather than trivializing them. 

An example of a validating statement might sound like .."Wow, sounds like you are interested in football.  How do you think you'll hold up with the workouts?"  Compare this to a trivializing statement.."Who are you kidding, you'd never be able to play football, you're too lazy for that."

Try it out, I think you will notice a big difference in your teens response.

To Your Family,

Jane Cabrera
The Parent Success Coach

Communication Solutions for Parents - Judging and Criticizing

Dear Parents,

Hurtful communication can come in the form of judging and criticizing.  In her book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship", Patricia Evans describes some statements that are examples of judgmental criticizing.
Statements that begin with "The trouble with you is.." or "Your problem is..." are judgmental and critical.  Most "You" statements are judgmental and critical - like "You can't take a joke" or "You're crazy" or "You're stupid".  Sometimes criticism can be disguised as help or advice.  "Wouldn't it have been better to..." "Next time you should...".

This topic is a tough one because many times as parents we are very judgmental and critical of our children.
Here at the Parent Success Coach, we believe strongly in our unique Inside/Out Parenting Approach™ where all change first comes from within. I would ask you to be honest with yourself to determine if you are being highly judgmental and critical of your teens.


The "you" statements and "Your problem is"  type statements are defining statements.  Even though we are the parents, it is not our job to define our children.  Our job is to guide them and teach them self reliance and self esteem so that they are able to define themselves.  Anyone who is being defined in a negative way will feel the oppression of that definition, and would want to rebel.  As teens are in the process of becoming adults, they are naturally expanding their view of the world and of themselves.  They want the freedom to explore and express themselves and this is best when it is encouraged by parents (within the boundaries of safety and common sense of course!)


Try communicating with your teen and leave out the judgment and criticism and see what happens.  You will go a long way toward opening up real communication.


To Your Family,

Jane Cabrera
The Parent Success Coach

Communication Solutions for Parents - Accusing and Blaming

Dear Parents,

Accusing and Blaming are another category of hurtful communication.  Does your teen accuse and blame you for things?  Do you get the feeling that your teen thinks you are the enemy?  Or is it the other way around?  Do you frequently suspect your teen of harboring bad intentions, and as a result accuse and blame him for things?

Sometimes people don't know how to handle their own negative emotions, and they don't want to or don't know how to take responsibility for them.  They will accuse or blame another for causing them to feel their negative emotions.

Patricia Evans, in her book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship", gives some examples of accusing and blaming statements.  They include things like "You're attacking me" or "You're looking for trouble", or "You're just trying to pick a fight". Accusing and blaming make real communication impossible.  The person accusing is assuming that they know the motives of the other - which of course is impossible.  You can never really know the thoughts and motives of another person.

If you catch yourself accusing and blaming, take a step back.  Stop assuming that you know the motives of another person.  Consider that they are a separate person, with their own thought process.  To open up communication, ask them what they meant.  Then be willing to listen to the answer.

If you are the one being blamed, stop the communication immediately as you will not get anywhere with someone who thinks they know the workings of your mind.  Just say "I don't accept that", and don't engage it any further.  This sets your boundary for appropriate communication. 

To Your Family,

Jane Cabrera
The Parent Success Coach

Communication Solutions for Parents -Blocking & Diverting

Dear Parents,

In "The Verbally Abusive Relationship", Patricia Evans describes Blocking and Diverting as a category of abusive communication.

Blocking and Diverting is intended to change the subject and therefore prevent any real communication on the subject at hand.  For example, a direct question, like "Where have you been"?  can result in lots of going round and round, however the question "Where have you been" somehow remains unanswered.

Have you experienced this with your teen? The question "Where have you been" might be responded to with "What are you so mad at?".  Next thing you know, you are justifying your right to be mad, and the discussion goes in a completely different direction.  Parents with intentions for goodwill and communication can easily get sidetracked because you naturally want to answer a question when asked.  Good-natured people can easily fall prey to being blocked and diverted.

What to do if you recognize this type of communication?  Repeat the question.  "Where have you been?"   "What are you so mad at?"  " Where have you been?" Again and again and again until you get an answer to the original question.  Do not engage in any discussion about anything until you receive an answer to your question. 

Exhausting?  Well, yes, but no more exhausting than going on endlessly and not getting an answer to your question.  It also starts the process of setting your boundaries for communication.  When you ask a direct question, you expect  and deserve a direct answer, and will accept nothing less.

To Your Family,

Jane Cabrera
The Parent Success Coach

Communication Solutions for Parents - Hostility Disguised as Jokes

Dear Parents,

In her groundbreaking work on verbal abuse, Patricia Evans discusses the various categories in her book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship".  Today we want to look at hostility disguised as jokes.

You can feel the hostility, the comment wasn't funny at all.  However, when you confront it, the joker's response is "I was only kidding", or "You can't take a joke".  The joker in this case assumes no responsibility for either the hostile feelings or the hurtful comment.   There is no desire for real communication.  Have you experienced this?

If you find that you are the one disguising your hostility with jokes, take some time to understand what you are feeling upset about.  Writing in a journal can be a helpful way for you to verbalize your feelings and help you get clear.  When you feel clear about what is upsetting you, then you can try to communicate in a more direct manner, rather than trying to hide behind jokes.

If you are experiencing this from your teens or others, know that you do not have to accept this type of communication.  When a joke feels hostile to you, respond, "I don't accept that".  When the say "I was just kidding" or "You can't take a joke", again respond, "I don't accept that".   Bottom line, you don't accept the unacceptable.  It's a good start to setting your boundaries, and receiving the respectful type of communication that you deserve.

To Your Family,

Jane Cabrera
The Parent Success Coach

Solutions for Parents - Discounting

Dear Parents,

Can you recall any experiences as a child where you were upset and the adults around you said you were being silly, overreacting, being too sensitive,  ore making a big deal out of nothing?  Do you recall how it felt to have your feelings discounted as unimportant?  How did it feel to have nobody understand you, and to still feel upset even though everyone is telling you you "shouldn't feel"  what you do in fact feel?

Discounting is an all too common experience for children.  It is very important to understand that as parents, we reflect back our children's experiences to them.  We have to be careful to keep in mind that our children are separate people, and they are having their own experience.  We sometimes want to pressure them into being our ideal.  For example, if my child has fallen and hit her knee, I of course don't want it to hurt her.  But when I say to her "it doesn't hurt", I am saying the opposite of her experience, and it's confusing to her.  Telling her it was no big deal and it shouldn't hurt doesn't help either.  It discounts her experience.  If it hurts her, it hurts her.  Help her up and give her a kiss.

Validating the experience of another person is a very powerful way to communicate.  Validating someone doesn't mean you have to agree with them.  You can say "Wow, you sound upset", and then let the other person express what they are feeling.  That doesn't mean you necessarily agree that they "should be" upset, it's simply acknowledging that they are.  You are allowing another person to express their experience in your presence.  That's validation, and it's a very powerful tool to establishing communication and harmonious family relations.

To Your Family,

Jane Cabrera
The Parent Success Coach

Solutions for Parents - Countering

Dear Parents,
Today I am continuing my reflections on Patricia Evans important work in the area of Verbal Abuse.  In exploring the topic, she details various categories of communication that are important to become aware of.  Today we want to look at countering.

So what is countering?  Countering is when someone argues against everything you say.  Even when you relay your most personal thoughts, perceptions, and experiences, the person who counters will argue against it.  Countering is extremely frustrating to deal with.  No matter what you say, however rationally or gently you explain yourself, the person who counters never sees your point, never comes to an agreement.  It can be highly irrational.  Even if you agree with them you will find them arguing against it.

Countering blocks all chance of true communication.  It is extremely frustrating.  People in these conversations find themselves feeling emotionally drained.   Have you had this experience?  Do you experience this with your teens?

If you are experiencing this type of communication with someone, stop the interaction immediately and do not engage it.  It is important for your own sanity to realize that the person is not in a rational mindset, and therefore no true communication can or will take place in that moment.  Walking away isn't the whole answer obviously, but it is a great start for you to set the boundary of how you will be spoken to.

Do you recognize yourself in this description?  Do you sometimes get in a mood and counter everything your spouse or children say?  Recognize that this behavior is shutting off all communication, and is damaging to your relations with others.  It would be better to say that you are in a bad mood and need some time for yourself.

To Your Family,

Jane Cabrera
The Parent Success Coach

Solutions for Parents - Withholding

Dear Parents,
In her highly informative book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship", Patricia Evans talks about various categories of communication that establishes a tone of "Power Over".  Today we will look in more detail at withholding.

Withholding is when a person refuses to communicate, keeping their thoughts and feelings to oneself, revealing as little as possible, and maintaining an attitude of indifference.  Does your teen withhold, not engaging in any meaningful conversation with you to enable you to have a relationship?  If so, I ask that you check in and give an honest assessment.  Has your communication to your teen been critical or demeaning?  Have you discounted our trivialized what your teen has had to say because they are only a child?  When children feel that their communication has been shut down, they will have the tendency to withhold.  And their withholding can be both a protection for them, and a revenge against you.

Are you withholding communication from your teen?  If so, why?  Have you also felt shut down, criticized or trivialized?  If so, I strongly recommend that you read some of the great work by Patricia Evans.  Her work will help you to understand the controlling personality, and some highly effective ways to respond to this hurtful and inappropriate communication.

Here at the Parent Success Coach, we believe strongly in our unique Inside/Out Parenting Approach™ where all change first comes from within.  We believe that parents are the ones who are in the best position to make lasting positive influences on their children.

To Your Family,

Jane Cabrera

The Parent Success Coach

Solutions for Parents - Power & Control

Dear Parents,
Patricia Evans, author of "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" makes an important distinction between "Power Over" and "Personal Power".  Although the topic of verbal abuse might sound ugly, it's actually quite common, and the behavioral dynamics begin in childhood, thus this is an important topic for parents to be educated in.

"Power Over" includes any communication where one person assumes to have power over the other.  It's forms include one-upmanship, criticizing, intimidating, defeating, topping, and hard selling.  These types of communications are commonly accepted in our culture, particularly in a competitive setting.  It shows up as control and dominance, and has a tendency to kill the spirit.

"Personal Power" assumes a sense of mutuality, and benefit for all.  A person with a sense of personal power assumes their own view is valid, and is also considerate of the views of others.  There is a spirit of respect, and a desire to co-create, and is nurturing to the spirit.

The questions to ask yourself as a parent are:  How am I communicating with my teen?  Is my communication intended to take control and thus power over?  If it is, I bet you are experiencing difficulties.  Teens naturally are maturing into adults and will begin to expand their views of the world and of themselves.  They will rebel against attempts to hinder or delay this process, and will rebel against "Power Over" communication.

How is your teen communicating with you?  Do you feel your teen is attempting to gain "Power Over" you?
In this case, you may need to look closer at the relationship to see what's going on.  Has your communication been based in mutuality?  You may need to have a heart to heart with your teen to find out what they are feeling and where they are coming from.

Over the next several days we will explore specific categories of "Power Over" communication.

To Your Family,

Jane Cabrera
The Parent Success Coach