Tip # 6 Foster Their Independence though friendly reminders vs. nagging.

Dear Parents,

When children are babies, we must do everything for them. As they grow, they need to start doing more for themselves. 

Many of us have enjoyed helping our children with homework and school projects. As they become teens, however, we might find ourselves carrying the burden that school work is our responsibility.   

We are constantly after them to make sure that they get it done.  We get tired of hearing ourselves nag, so we can imagine that our teens get annoyed with it too.   

When we back off, nothing gets done, so what is a parent to do?

Let them fail. 

Yes, you read that correctly.  Let them experience suffering the consequences for their actions, and let them handle it on their own.  The best time to do this is in middle school.  If they can get the message that they have to carry their own weight in middle school, the high school experience will be much easier to handle. They will develop the skills and strength to be successful in navigating the college process and beyond.

How do you do this?  Don’t nag. In a friendly way you can ask them “how are you coming along on your paper?”, and leave it at that.  In the end, it is their responsibility to get it done, not yours. 

From the standpoint of communication, you will find yourself far less stressed when you are not holding responsibility for that which is not your responsibility.  Your children will enjoy not being nagged. 

And although they may not seem to care in the beginning, most children really do want to do well, and when they realize that Mom or Dad isn’t going to do it for them, they will usually step up to the plate and get it done, and ultimately feel more empowered by their own ability.

 

To Your Family,

Jane Cabrera

The Parent Success Coach

Providing Guidance to Create Harmony and Loving Family Connections

Get My Free Report:

www.SolutionsForParenting.com 

Tip # 5 Avoid making global statements that determine their future.

Dear Parents,

 

Do you worry that because she failed a sixth grade math quiz that she’ll never get into a good college, and never have a career?  Do you express this concern out loud? 

As parents we all want the best for our children, and naturally, having walked the path before, want to provide them with the best chances for their success.  However, we sometimes feel pressure to plan their entire path.  When we fantasize about the worst outcome from behaviors that deviate from our ideal, it puts undue pressure on them.  

If you’ve ever been the object of someone else’s fantasy of your doomed future, you know how frustrating it is to defend yourself.  After all, the story of your future is just a story, it’s not real.

Understand that when engaging in this type of behavior, you are preventing real communication with your child.

As children mature into adults, it is their job to create their life path and determine their own future.  As a parent, you can do your best to provide them with the love, guidance and opportunities they need. 

In the end, it is their responsibility to take their life experience and create it into what they really want.  It is far more powerful to teach them self reliance and skills to manage their own future.

To Your Family,

Jane Cabrera

The Parent Success Coach

Providing Guidance to Create Harmony and Loving Family Connections

Get My Free Report:

www.solutionsforparents.com 

Tip #4 Listen –Just Listen.

Dear Parents,

As parents we have the responsibility to guide our children. As they begin the process of maturing, it is important to let them develop skills of reasoning, problem solving, and getting in touch with their own intuition.   

Many of us as children were told that we shouldn’t think what we think, feel what we feel, or do what we were doing.  This caused us to doubt ourselves and our own intuition. As a result it can be difficult to encourage our children to trust in their own judgment.

In spite of this, we can still encourage our children to develop these skills. 

Every interaction DOES NOT have to be a teaching moment.  Allow your child to express himself.  Ask clarifying questions to be sure you understand what he is saying.  Resist the urge to add your opinion and your solution.  Just ask his.  

How do you feel about it?  How do you think you could handle the situation?  Are there any other possibilities that you can think of?  Is there anything else that you would like to say about it?

In this way, you allow him to express himself, and allow him to come up with his own solutions.  This encourages self reliance, self esteem, and allows creativity to flow.

There is nothing more affirming to another human being than to give them that space to express themselves, and come up with solutions on their own. 

To Your Family,

Jane Cabrera

The Parent Success Coach

Providing Guidance to Create Harmony and Loving Family Connections

Get My Free Report:

www.solutionsforparenting.com

Tip #3 Check your tone of voice.

Dear Parents,

Today's tip is closely related to the one I shared yesterday.  

Is your tone defensive, expecting hostility?  Do you speak to your teen with a begging tone in your voice, that assumes they don’t want to cooperate with you?  Do you use words like “Pleeease” or  OK? Or I’m Sorry in your communication?   

This sets up an expectation that you don’t deserve or expect cooperation from others.  

If you find yourself expecting to be treated disrespectfully, or uncooperatively, ask yourself why.  What has occurred in your life that makes you expect (and therefore settle for) this type of behavior from others? 

Before you start working on your teen’s behavior, take a little time for yourself. You deserve to be treated with respect and cooperation. If you are settling for less, take some time to nurture yourself, nurture your self esteem. 

From a position of self love and self deserving, you can begin the work of setting boundaries with how others are allowed to treat you.

To Your Family,

Jane Cabrera

The Parent Success Coach

Providing Guidance to Create Harmony and Loving Family Connections

Get My Free Report:

www.SolutionsForParenting.com