Adjusting at home in 2011

Dear Parents,

My daughter is adjusting well to college, and for us back home it is an adjustment too.  Although I have to admit it's not as bad as I thought it would be. The technology of modern times really makes a difference.
We get on skype or facebook and video conference almost daily.  Seeing her on video is nice, it's like she's right here.  I know everyone has been using online video, but I never really had a need for it until now, and I really do appreciate it.

The other big adjustment that I hadn't thought of until now was food shopping and cooking.  I have to adjust the quantities for one less person.  That has actually caused me to have to turn off automatic pilot and think about what I am going to buy and how much am I going to make.  Not an earth shattering issue, but change nonetheless.

To Your Family,

Jane Cabrera
The Parent Success Coach
 

Settling into college life

Dear Parents,

It's been about a week since we moved our daughter into her college dorm. The transition was pretty quick.
We spent so much time anticipating how difficult it would be, and in reality it hasn't seemed difficult at all.  At least not yet. 

The first weekend was filled with lots of activities and she was very busy having an incredible amount of fun.
 The following week was filled with finding her way around, getting to class,  getting a job, and just plain getting settled in.  In a week, she's learned the bus system, made a bunch of friends, did some laundry, and not only survived it all, but seems to be really enjoying it.

Opportunities for distractions of course are abundant, and she's learning how to navigate through all of that.
She had pretty good structure and work ethic while here in our home.  On her own, she'll at least have that to fall back on if she chooses it.  That's the tough part for us as parents is to realize that we can only take them to a certain point, and then it's up to them to choose.

To Your Family,

Jane Cabrera
The Parent Success Coach

College - Time to Say Goodbye

Dear Parents,

We got her all moved in. She stayed in the dorm the first night and we stayed in town at the hotel.  The next day we spent picking up books and running out to the store for any incidentals that she needed.  Then it was time to say goodbye and head back home.

Ugh.  Hardest thing in the world.  I cried a lot.  Didn't say too much, because at that point, what is there to say, really. 

I feel like she was in the best position possible.  She had a good solid background of a loving family and a good education.  From here, it's her story to write.  And I'm confident it will be brilliant.

To Your Family,

Jane Cabrera
The Parent Success Coach.

First Impression of the Dorm Room

Dear Parents,

So after the long drive, and lugging the belonging from the parking lot across the street into the building and up 4 flights (thankfully by elevator), she opens the door, and we lay eyes on the dorm room.  My son described it as looking like a jail cell, and I have to admit, he was really close.

Concrete walls, and completely stripped bare industrial looking beds, ugh.  We had seen a model dorm room along the way and it looked cozy enough.  This looked really bare and really, really, small.  And two people have to fit in there.

Quickly, we all get to work, laying out some carpet, and dressing the bed.  After a while, you start to realize that it is all coming together and is going to work out just fine.  On one of my trips back to the car I overheard a Dad take a heavy sigh, and then say, "Ok, we can make this work".  And that's just how it is on move in day.  Chaos for a little bit, and then everything falls into place and works just fine.

To Your Family,

Jane Cabrera
The Parent Success Coach

More on going off to college

Dear Parents,

So the big day arrives, and we load everything she owns into the car and start the two day drive.
My biggest and best advice after this experience?  Bring a hand truck.  Not sure why this didn't occur to us before, but it didn't.  You can tell the experienced parents from the rest of us. Some of them actually had these big flat bed carts that you see at home depot.  

So we are thinking that we get to park right outside the building for 40 minutes to offload stuff, and then you have to move the car.  Sounds like a great plan.  What they didn't mention is there are only about 20 spots in front of the building, and about 200 cars are pulling up at the same time.  Everyone else has to park in the lot across the street and lug everything - thus  the importance of the hand truck.  

You can tell the experienced parents from the rest of us. Some of them actually had these big flat bed carts that you see at Home Depot.   Experience is a beautiful thing.

To Your Family,


Jane Cabrera
The Parent Success Coach

Off to College

Dear Parents,

This past weekend we moved our daughter into her college dorm.  She's our first, and we are a very close family.  She got into a really good school and we are so excited for her and proud of her. 

At the same time, the thought of her living away from home was like torture.  A lot of kids go to summer camp and spend a little time away from the family.  We were never summer camp people.  Even sleepovers were a very rare event.  She went to one or two, but quickly realized how little sleep went on at these events.  Suffering through the crankiness the following day was just not worth it.  So bottom line, we are just not used to our kids being away.

She was feeling the same way too, excited for what's ahead, but also realizing what a change it was going to be from her normal routine.  We also lived in the same house since she was born.  She's had the same room. 
So as moving day approached, the anxiety was building.  It got to the point where you just wanted to get it over with, not to have to anticipate it any more!!

That's the thing about move in weekend, everyone is feeling a little edgy about the change.
More tomorrow!

To Your Family,

Jane Cabrera
The Parent Success Coach

Student Drving - The Coach Approach

Dear Parents,

After taking my 15 year old driving, it was interesting to notice what he
talked about afterward, what really made an impression on him.

Professionally, I am a coach.  As a coach, I know that the most valuable
learning modality is experience.  Once you've had an experience, you
can work on modifying if necessary. 

So I used this same approach with him.  I just told him what to do
(drive to that landmark in reverse, make a u-turn, park in that space).
I didn't tell him how to do it, I just let him do it.  Then we just deal
with what comes up.

I noticed afterward as he spoke about his experience with others
that being trusted to "just do it" seemed to add a sense of pride
and confidence.  I think as parents of teenagers it's important to
remember that our job is to help them build trust and confidence
in their own abilities.  And experience is the best teacher.

To Your Family,

Jane Cabrera
The Parent Success Coach

Joys of Student Driving

Dear Parents,

Did you think my headline was sarcastic?  What assumptions are you making?
I'm just having a little fun with you.  Actually I really do enjoy the time
driving with my son.  For one thing, he's a pretty easy going kid with a very
humorous imagination so the time is fun.

For example, he is driving a maximum of 15 miles per hour in an empty parking lot.
He says "what if a cop came through here and..." and then he goes into
an explanation of escapades most likely inspired by some crazy video game.
Five minutes later a cop actually does drive through the parking lot and
we laugh like this is the funniest thing in the world.

I think a good balance of the serious (safety rules etc.) and the silly
are necessary for any important endeavor.

To Your Family,

Jane Cabrera
The Parent Success Coach

My adventures into student driving

Dear Parents,

Well, following a small fiasco at the DMV (doesn't everyone have a fiasco at the DMV?) my 15 year old son got his learners permit.  So off we go.

Day one, I take him to a parking lot to just get him started.  I didn't expect to do much except get him starting and stopping to get a feel for the brake and the gas.  Well, I hadn't considered the effect of video games.  I mean this in a positive sense.  His handling of the car was excellent.  He parked, u-turned, k-turned, and even backed into a parking spot flawlessly, and on the first day. 

So now what?  I expected to do parking and u-turns for at least another month. 
I will keep you posted on my driving adventures.
Any advice for the advanced driving student?  Post it here!

To Your Family,

Jane Cabrera
The Parent Success Coach

Teens and learning to drive

Dear Parents,

We live in Florida, and kids can get their drivers permits at the ripe old age of 15, and receive a restricted license at 16.  I personally think this is ridiculous - way too young.  My daughter waited just under a year, got her permit right before turning 16, and her license right before turning 17.  This seemed more reasonable to me.

All of that being said, my youngest son is going for his drivers permit today, a full 5 days after his 15th birthday.  I still think it's too young, but for whatever reason, I find things easier to deal with the second time around.  I actually had a good experience with the process of getting her into the drivers seat, so my anxiety level is much lower with him. I guess that's how it is with everything with second (and third...fourth...etc) children.

Let's wish him luck and see how he does!

To Your Family,

Jane Cabrera
The Parent Success Coach

Lessons from the Beach, Teens need Time Off Too!

Dear Parents,

Yesterday I wrote about the importance of taking some time off to nurture yourself.  In our over scheduled society, I want to talk a little bit about the importance of making sure our teens are getting some down time.

During the school year, many of our children are juggling school workloads, sports, community service, and even part time jobs.  This is a lot to handle for anyone.  Add on top of this the physical growth that is taking place during the adolescent years.  I hear about many students that are staying up late into the night to finish school assignments and study for tests.  Students who have handled a schedule like this need some down time to rest and refresh.  The summer is a great time for kids to get in their community service hours or to get a job and make some money, but be sure to encourage your kids to have to real down time as well. 

Our week on the beach provided for some great down time for our teens.  There was nothing to do except surf and sleep.  Teens need a lot more sleep than adults do, and it was very healthy to have this time for them to just have fun, and be able to sleep it off, with no alarms, no deadlines, no pressures.

To Your Family,

Jane Cabrera
The Parent Success Coach

Lessons from the Beach, Nurture Yourself

Dear Parents,


As the Parent Success Coach, I will often remind parents the importance of nurturing yourself.  Your ability to guide and nurture your family depends so much on your own well being, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.  Spending a week on the beach reminds me of how important it is to just relax and have a little fun.  Let go of the worries of the world for a while.  Refresh and rejuvenate.

Playing on the beach all week, I found myself physically tired in a good way.  I slept great, and I felt great.  Some of the worries that seemed to fill my mind a few weeks ago seem non-existent now.  Why were those things such a big deal anyway? 

It is extremely important for parents to take this kind of time to relax and renew.  Many times we magnify the worries by thinking about them too much.  By taking some time to let go and relax, you can think more clearly and get a fresh perspective on how to move forward.  You are better for yourself and better for your family.  Be sure to allow for some recreation as part of your normal schedule to keep yourself in balance.

To Your Family,

Jane Cabrera
The Parent Success Coach

Lesson from the Beach, Timing is Everything

Dear Parents,

A few days ago I told you about my really unique raft/body surfing technique.   I stand out right where the really nice waves break.  Just before it's about to turn, I jump in front of it and whooosh, I go for a ride and wash up on shore in no time.  Timing is everything, and provides for a very fun experience!

The same thing goes for communicating with our families.  The timing has to be right, and sometimes you have to wait for it.  If you have ever tried to communicate with someone when they are not ready to talk or the timing isn't right, you know that it can go poorly, or even end up worse than where you started.  If you have something important to discuss with your teens, ask them to make time for it, so they are prepared.  Ask them to set some time aside, and do it in a way that they won't feel on the defensive.  With a little preparation and proper timing, you can find yourself exactly where you want to be and able to create the family harmony that you desire.

To Your Family,

Jane Cabrera
The Parent Success Coach

Lessons from the Beach, Going Against the Tide

Dear Parents,

This week on the beach we experienced some really big waves, and a very strong current.  With my extreme rafting technique, I would jump on a wave and it would take me all the way into shore.  From where I was standing I tried to walk back to where my kids were surfing, right on the line where the waves were breaking.  The tide was so strong, however, that I found myself working really hard and getting nowhere.

This happens in life too sometimes.  You find yourself working really hard to accomplish something, to make something happen, and everything seems to be pushing against you and you get nowhere.  What are you to do? 

It took me a while to figure this out.  The first step is to just stop moving.  When I stopped moving I realized that the tide was pulling really strongly in the opposite direction of where I wanted to go.  Next, I just got out of the water and walked along the shore, back in the direction that I wanted to go.  Now here's where I finally got really clever... I walked past where I wanted to go, and then entered the water.  This way the tide pulled me exactly where I wanted to go.  Lesson learned, rather than working against the tide, figure out how I can get the tide to work for me!

To Your Family,

Jane Cabrera
The Parent Success Coach

A Week on the Beach with Teens.

Dear Parents,

The time on the beach with our teens is a great way to be together.  Surfing, body surfing, and in my case "extreme rafting", are activities that we engage in individually, but we are together at the same time.  In this way we each have our own experience, and can enjoy relating our experiences to each others'.

This is a great way to communicate, and is a nice break from trying to get them to listen or trying to get them to do chores or other things.  It's a great way to relax and build family memories.

To Your Family,

Jane Cabrera
The Parent Success Coach

A week on the Beach with Teens.

Dear Parents,

This week we are at the beach with our teenagers.  Both of them surf.  I have always been one of those parents who likes to do stuff with the kids.  Now, I won't get on a surfboard, but I won't miss a great day at the beach either.  So I went to the local grocery store and invested about $15 in raft.  It's covered in cloth, not plastic, so you won't slide off so easily.

Now I have this really unique raft/body surfing technique. It's quite effective and very fun.  I stand out in the same area where the surfers go, and I wait for the really good waves, just like the surfers do.  Now the trick is you have to time it just perfectly.  When the wave is just about to break, you jump in front of it, hanging onto the raft for dear life.   The raft goes flying high up on the wave and then crashes down in front of it, and you go for the ride of your life.  Very fast, very fun. 

Now people on the beach point and laugh at me, and inevitably, more rafts pop up on the beach over the next few days.

To Your Family,

Jane Cabrera,
The Parent Success Coach

The Unique Inside/Out Parenting Approach™

Dear Parents,

Here is another example of how The Unique Inside/Out Parenting Approach™ could work for you. A Mom in the program was having difficulties setting boundaries with her adult son.  She was enabling him to maintain an unhealthy lifestyle.  Although she knew that she was part of the problem, she found herself unable to set boundaries with him.

Through the Inside/Out Parenting Approach™, we explored further into her past experiences to understand her beliefs about setting boundaries.  We learned that she had suffered from being separated from her parents at an early age, and she had difficulty setting boundaries that felt like she was separating herself from her adult son.  We talked about various courses of action, one of which was "nurture yourself".  At this time in Mom's evolution, that was the only action that resonated with her.  So she nurtured herself, in various capacities.  And she did so for several months. 

The approach involves working with you, right where you are. The approach involves giving you, the parent, what you need first.  You are in the best position to nurture your family when your cup is full.  Then you will have the strength and the energy to take the next step.

In our Mom's case, she did eventually move to the next step and starting the long hard journey of setting the necessary boundaries.

To Your Family,

Jane Cabrera
The Parent Success Coach 

The Unique Inside/Out Parenting Approach™ explored

Dear Parents,

Coaching is a great way to get one on one attention and to quickly move you in the direction that you want to go.  I utilize the unique Inside/Out Parenting Approach™ with my clients.  Let's explore an example of how it works.


A Dad in the program was experiencing significant anxiety over a situation at work.  A co-worker in a position of authority was abusive in his communication and the anxiety was consuming much of my client's attention.  We first addressed the dynamics of this type of behavior, and came up with ways to set verbal boundaries, more effective responses to the communication.  We then talked about setting psychic boundaries, which was understanding that the abusive communication reflected the co-workers state of mind, not my client's reality.  I referred him to some good books on the topic, and he got clear on "Power Over" communication, and why someone would use it.


The Dad reported a situation where his teen was acting up and needed to be redirected.  Dad normally would use an authoritative "power over" tone with his teen.  In that moment, he had the awareness, and changed his tone.  The communication went very well, and resulted in successful redirection of the behavior in a manner that resulted in closeness.  


This is a great example of the Inside/Out Parenting Approach.  The inner realization and ability to make another choice is a powerful way to make lasting change.  The nice thing is that it's effortless, it happens in the moment.  


Great job Dad!!!


To Your Family,


Jane Cabrera
The Parent Success Coach