Dear Parents,
Accusing and Blaming are another category of hurtful communication. Does your teen accuse and blame you for things? Do you get the feeling that your teen thinks you are the enemy? Or is it the other way around? Do you frequently suspect your teen of harboring bad intentions, and as a result accuse and blame him for things?
Sometimes people don't know how to handle their own negative emotions, and they don't want to or don't know how to take responsibility for them. They will accuse or blame another for causing them to feel their negative emotions.
Patricia Evans, in her book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship", gives some examples of accusing and blaming statements. They include things like "You're attacking me" or "You're looking for trouble", or "You're just trying to pick a fight". Accusing and blaming make real communication impossible. The person accusing is assuming that they know the motives of the other - which of course is impossible. You can never really know the thoughts and motives of another person.
If you catch yourself accusing and blaming, take a step back. Stop assuming that you know the motives of another person. Consider that they are a separate person, with their own thought process. To open up communication, ask them what they meant. Then be willing to listen to the answer.
If you are the one being blamed, stop the communication immediately as you will not get anywhere with someone who thinks they know the workings of your mind. Just say "I don't accept that", and don't engage it any further. This sets your boundary for appropriate communication.
To Your Family,
Jane Cabrera
The Parent Success Coach
Monday, July 11, 2011
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Communication Solutions for Parents -Blocking & Diverting
Dear Parents,
In "The Verbally Abusive Relationship", Patricia Evans describes Blocking and Diverting as a category of abusive communication.
Blocking and Diverting is intended to change the subject and therefore prevent any real communication on the subject at hand. For example, a direct question, like "Where have you been"? can result in lots of going round and round, however the question "Where have you been" somehow remains unanswered.
Have you experienced this with your teen? The question "Where have you been" might be responded to with "What are you so mad at?". Next thing you know, you are justifying your right to be mad, and the discussion goes in a completely different direction. Parents with intentions for goodwill and communication can easily get sidetracked because you naturally want to answer a question when asked. Good-natured people can easily fall prey to being blocked and diverted.
What to do if you recognize this type of communication? Repeat the question. "Where have you been?" "What are you so mad at?" " Where have you been?" Again and again and again until you get an answer to the original question. Do not engage in any discussion about anything until you receive an answer to your question.
Exhausting? Well, yes, but no more exhausting than going on endlessly and not getting an answer to your question. It also starts the process of setting your boundaries for communication. When you ask a direct question, you expect and deserve a direct answer, and will accept nothing less.
To Your Family,
Jane Cabrera
The Parent Success Coach
In "The Verbally Abusive Relationship", Patricia Evans describes Blocking and Diverting as a category of abusive communication.
Blocking and Diverting is intended to change the subject and therefore prevent any real communication on the subject at hand. For example, a direct question, like "Where have you been"? can result in lots of going round and round, however the question "Where have you been" somehow remains unanswered.
Have you experienced this with your teen? The question "Where have you been" might be responded to with "What are you so mad at?". Next thing you know, you are justifying your right to be mad, and the discussion goes in a completely different direction. Parents with intentions for goodwill and communication can easily get sidetracked because you naturally want to answer a question when asked. Good-natured people can easily fall prey to being blocked and diverted.
What to do if you recognize this type of communication? Repeat the question. "Where have you been?" "What are you so mad at?" " Where have you been?" Again and again and again until you get an answer to the original question. Do not engage in any discussion about anything until you receive an answer to your question.
Exhausting? Well, yes, but no more exhausting than going on endlessly and not getting an answer to your question. It also starts the process of setting your boundaries for communication. When you ask a direct question, you expect and deserve a direct answer, and will accept nothing less.
To Your Family,
Jane Cabrera
The Parent Success Coach
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Communication Solutions for Parents - Hostility Disguised as Jokes
Dear Parents,
In her groundbreaking work on verbal abuse, Patricia Evans discusses the various categories in her book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship". Today we want to look at hostility disguised as jokes.
You can feel the hostility, the comment wasn't funny at all. However, when you confront it, the joker's response is "I was only kidding", or "You can't take a joke". The joker in this case assumes no responsibility for either the hostile feelings or the hurtful comment. There is no desire for real communication. Have you experienced this?
If you find that you are the one disguising your hostility with jokes, take some time to understand what you are feeling upset about. Writing in a journal can be a helpful way for you to verbalize your feelings and help you get clear. When you feel clear about what is upsetting you, then you can try to communicate in a more direct manner, rather than trying to hide behind jokes.
If you are experiencing this from your teens or others, know that you do not have to accept this type of communication. When a joke feels hostile to you, respond, "I don't accept that". When the say "I was just kidding" or "You can't take a joke", again respond, "I don't accept that". Bottom line, you don't accept the unacceptable. It's a good start to setting your boundaries, and receiving the respectful type of communication that you deserve.
To Your Family,
Jane Cabrera
The Parent Success Coach
In her groundbreaking work on verbal abuse, Patricia Evans discusses the various categories in her book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship". Today we want to look at hostility disguised as jokes.
You can feel the hostility, the comment wasn't funny at all. However, when you confront it, the joker's response is "I was only kidding", or "You can't take a joke". The joker in this case assumes no responsibility for either the hostile feelings or the hurtful comment. There is no desire for real communication. Have you experienced this?
If you find that you are the one disguising your hostility with jokes, take some time to understand what you are feeling upset about. Writing in a journal can be a helpful way for you to verbalize your feelings and help you get clear. When you feel clear about what is upsetting you, then you can try to communicate in a more direct manner, rather than trying to hide behind jokes.
If you are experiencing this from your teens or others, know that you do not have to accept this type of communication. When a joke feels hostile to you, respond, "I don't accept that". When the say "I was just kidding" or "You can't take a joke", again respond, "I don't accept that". Bottom line, you don't accept the unacceptable. It's a good start to setting your boundaries, and receiving the respectful type of communication that you deserve.
To Your Family,
Jane Cabrera
The Parent Success Coach
Friday, July 8, 2011
Solutions for Parents - Discounting
Dear Parents,
Can you recall any experiences as a child where you were upset and the adults around you said you were being silly, overreacting, being too sensitive, ore making a big deal out of nothing? Do you recall how it felt to have your feelings discounted as unimportant? How did it feel to have nobody understand you, and to still feel upset even though everyone is telling you you "shouldn't feel" what you do in fact feel?
Discounting is an all too common experience for children. It is very important to understand that as parents, we reflect back our children's experiences to them. We have to be careful to keep in mind that our children are separate people, and they are having their own experience. We sometimes want to pressure them into being our ideal. For example, if my child has fallen and hit her knee, I of course don't want it to hurt her. But when I say to her "it doesn't hurt", I am saying the opposite of her experience, and it's confusing to her. Telling her it was no big deal and it shouldn't hurt doesn't help either. It discounts her experience. If it hurts her, it hurts her. Help her up and give her a kiss.
Validating the experience of another person is a very powerful way to communicate. Validating someone doesn't mean you have to agree with them. You can say "Wow, you sound upset", and then let the other person express what they are feeling. That doesn't mean you necessarily agree that they "should be" upset, it's simply acknowledging that they are. You are allowing another person to express their experience in your presence. That's validation, and it's a very powerful tool to establishing communication and harmonious family relations.
To Your Family,
Jane Cabrera
The Parent Success Coach
Can you recall any experiences as a child where you were upset and the adults around you said you were being silly, overreacting, being too sensitive, ore making a big deal out of nothing? Do you recall how it felt to have your feelings discounted as unimportant? How did it feel to have nobody understand you, and to still feel upset even though everyone is telling you you "shouldn't feel" what you do in fact feel?
Discounting is an all too common experience for children. It is very important to understand that as parents, we reflect back our children's experiences to them. We have to be careful to keep in mind that our children are separate people, and they are having their own experience. We sometimes want to pressure them into being our ideal. For example, if my child has fallen and hit her knee, I of course don't want it to hurt her. But when I say to her "it doesn't hurt", I am saying the opposite of her experience, and it's confusing to her. Telling her it was no big deal and it shouldn't hurt doesn't help either. It discounts her experience. If it hurts her, it hurts her. Help her up and give her a kiss.
Validating the experience of another person is a very powerful way to communicate. Validating someone doesn't mean you have to agree with them. You can say "Wow, you sound upset", and then let the other person express what they are feeling. That doesn't mean you necessarily agree that they "should be" upset, it's simply acknowledging that they are. You are allowing another person to express their experience in your presence. That's validation, and it's a very powerful tool to establishing communication and harmonious family relations.
To Your Family,
Jane Cabrera
The Parent Success Coach
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Solutions for Parents - Countering
Dear Parents,
Today I am continuing my reflections on Patricia Evans important work in the area of Verbal Abuse. In exploring the topic, she details various categories of communication that are important to become aware of. Today we want to look at countering.
So what is countering? Countering is when someone argues against everything you say. Even when you relay your most personal thoughts, perceptions, and experiences, the person who counters will argue against it. Countering is extremely frustrating to deal with. No matter what you say, however rationally or gently you explain yourself, the person who counters never sees your point, never comes to an agreement. It can be highly irrational. Even if you agree with them you will find them arguing against it.
Countering blocks all chance of true communication. It is extremely frustrating. People in these conversations find themselves feeling emotionally drained. Have you had this experience? Do you experience this with your teens?
If you are experiencing this type of communication with someone, stop the interaction immediately and do not engage it. It is important for your own sanity to realize that the person is not in a rational mindset, and therefore no true communication can or will take place in that moment. Walking away isn't the whole answer obviously, but it is a great start for you to set the boundary of how you will be spoken to.
Do you recognize yourself in this description? Do you sometimes get in a mood and counter everything your spouse or children say? Recognize that this behavior is shutting off all communication, and is damaging to your relations with others. It would be better to say that you are in a bad mood and need some time for yourself.
To Your Family,
Jane Cabrera
The Parent Success Coach
Today I am continuing my reflections on Patricia Evans important work in the area of Verbal Abuse. In exploring the topic, she details various categories of communication that are important to become aware of. Today we want to look at countering.
So what is countering? Countering is when someone argues against everything you say. Even when you relay your most personal thoughts, perceptions, and experiences, the person who counters will argue against it. Countering is extremely frustrating to deal with. No matter what you say, however rationally or gently you explain yourself, the person who counters never sees your point, never comes to an agreement. It can be highly irrational. Even if you agree with them you will find them arguing against it.
Countering blocks all chance of true communication. It is extremely frustrating. People in these conversations find themselves feeling emotionally drained. Have you had this experience? Do you experience this with your teens?
If you are experiencing this type of communication with someone, stop the interaction immediately and do not engage it. It is important for your own sanity to realize that the person is not in a rational mindset, and therefore no true communication can or will take place in that moment. Walking away isn't the whole answer obviously, but it is a great start for you to set the boundary of how you will be spoken to.
Do you recognize yourself in this description? Do you sometimes get in a mood and counter everything your spouse or children say? Recognize that this behavior is shutting off all communication, and is damaging to your relations with others. It would be better to say that you are in a bad mood and need some time for yourself.
To Your Family,
Jane Cabrera
The Parent Success Coach
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Solutions for Parents - Withholding
Dear Parents,
In her highly informative book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship", Patricia Evans talks about various categories of communication that establishes a tone of "Power Over". Today we will look in more detail at withholding.
Withholding is when a person refuses to communicate, keeping their thoughts and feelings to oneself, revealing as little as possible, and maintaining an attitude of indifference. Does your teen withhold, not engaging in any meaningful conversation with you to enable you to have a relationship? If so, I ask that you check in and give an honest assessment. Has your communication to your teen been critical or demeaning? Have you discounted our trivialized what your teen has had to say because they are only a child? When children feel that their communication has been shut down, they will have the tendency to withhold. And their withholding can be both a protection for them, and a revenge against you.
Are you withholding communication from your teen? If so, why? Have you also felt shut down, criticized or trivialized? If so, I strongly recommend that you read some of the great work by Patricia Evans. Her work will help you to understand the controlling personality, and some highly effective ways to respond to this hurtful and inappropriate communication.
In her highly informative book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship", Patricia Evans talks about various categories of communication that establishes a tone of "Power Over". Today we will look in more detail at withholding.
Withholding is when a person refuses to communicate, keeping their thoughts and feelings to oneself, revealing as little as possible, and maintaining an attitude of indifference. Does your teen withhold, not engaging in any meaningful conversation with you to enable you to have a relationship? If so, I ask that you check in and give an honest assessment. Has your communication to your teen been critical or demeaning? Have you discounted our trivialized what your teen has had to say because they are only a child? When children feel that their communication has been shut down, they will have the tendency to withhold. And their withholding can be both a protection for them, and a revenge against you.
Are you withholding communication from your teen? If so, why? Have you also felt shut down, criticized or trivialized? If so, I strongly recommend that you read some of the great work by Patricia Evans. Her work will help you to understand the controlling personality, and some highly effective ways to respond to this hurtful and inappropriate communication.
Here at the Parent Success Coach, we believe strongly in our unique Inside/Out Parenting Approach™ where all change first comes from within. We believe that parents are the ones who are in the best position to make lasting positive influences on their children.
To Your Family,
Jane Cabrera
The Parent Success Coach
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Solutions for Parents - Power & Control
Dear Parents,
Patricia Evans, author of "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" makes an important distinction between "Power Over" and "Personal Power". Although the topic of verbal abuse might sound ugly, it's actually quite common, and the behavioral dynamics begin in childhood, thus this is an important topic for parents to be educated in.
"Power Over" includes any communication where one person assumes to have power over the other. It's forms include one-upmanship, criticizing, intimidating, defeating, topping, and hard selling. These types of communications are commonly accepted in our culture, particularly in a competitive setting. It shows up as control and dominance, and has a tendency to kill the spirit.
"Personal Power" assumes a sense of mutuality, and benefit for all. A person with a sense of personal power assumes their own view is valid, and is also considerate of the views of others. There is a spirit of respect, and a desire to co-create, and is nurturing to the spirit.
The questions to ask yourself as a parent are: How am I communicating with my teen? Is my communication intended to take control and thus power over? If it is, I bet you are experiencing difficulties. Teens naturally are maturing into adults and will begin to expand their views of the world and of themselves. They will rebel against attempts to hinder or delay this process, and will rebel against "Power Over" communication.
How is your teen communicating with you? Do you feel your teen is attempting to gain "Power Over" you?
In this case, you may need to look closer at the relationship to see what's going on. Has your communication been based in mutuality? You may need to have a heart to heart with your teen to find out what they are feeling and where they are coming from.
Over the next several days we will explore specific categories of "Power Over" communication.
To Your Family,
Jane Cabrera
The Parent Success Coach
Patricia Evans, author of "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" makes an important distinction between "Power Over" and "Personal Power". Although the topic of verbal abuse might sound ugly, it's actually quite common, and the behavioral dynamics begin in childhood, thus this is an important topic for parents to be educated in.
"Power Over" includes any communication where one person assumes to have power over the other. It's forms include one-upmanship, criticizing, intimidating, defeating, topping, and hard selling. These types of communications are commonly accepted in our culture, particularly in a competitive setting. It shows up as control and dominance, and has a tendency to kill the spirit.
"Personal Power" assumes a sense of mutuality, and benefit for all. A person with a sense of personal power assumes their own view is valid, and is also considerate of the views of others. There is a spirit of respect, and a desire to co-create, and is nurturing to the spirit.
The questions to ask yourself as a parent are: How am I communicating with my teen? Is my communication intended to take control and thus power over? If it is, I bet you are experiencing difficulties. Teens naturally are maturing into adults and will begin to expand their views of the world and of themselves. They will rebel against attempts to hinder or delay this process, and will rebel against "Power Over" communication.
How is your teen communicating with you? Do you feel your teen is attempting to gain "Power Over" you?
In this case, you may need to look closer at the relationship to see what's going on. Has your communication been based in mutuality? You may need to have a heart to heart with your teen to find out what they are feeling and where they are coming from.
Over the next several days we will explore specific categories of "Power Over" communication.
To Your Family,
Jane Cabrera
The Parent Success Coach
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